Tag Archives: mental health

Everything DOES NOT Happen for a Reason 

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I don’t think anything makes me angrier than the passive-aggressive whimpering of everything happens for a reason. It often comes from a misguided, problematic religious person as a way to somehow absolve tragedy. 

The reality is this is bullshit. It goes hand in hand with what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Trauma did not make me stronger. And there wasn’t some design-your-destiny plan for all these horrible things to happen, so I’d what? Learn lessons? Realize my place? Become some better version of myself? 

By these measures, I deserved abuse, neglect, rape, grief, and cancer. It was all destined so that I would struggle with my mental health and a desire to live. Lucky me!

When people say this nonsense, these are aggressions. These statements discount my experiences and losses. They say I needed to grapple with the hardest things anyone can go through. And my layers of trauma must mean that I was so in need of these lessons, I needed to go through them all. 

Do you see how ridiculous this all sounds? The truth is that really terrible things occur every day to many people, and there’s no system in place that’s handing them out. 

What did make me stronger? Dealing with my trauma and working very hard not to let it devour me. I’ve spent most of my life in therapy, wrestling every demon you could imagine. That’s the stuff that gets you to a place of healing. 

I did not deserve these things. Karma didn’t rain on me because I’m evil incarnate. I’m just a regular person who has good and bad days. My motto is to be good to yourself, others, animals, and the planet. It’s actually pretty simple to not be a complete asshole oxygen thief. It’s too bad that others can’t see it this way. They need to believe in fairy tales about things happening for a reason because they’ve got no soul or energy to do the hard work. They see the world as black and white. The truth is it’s every shade of gray. 

The series of heart-wrenching events in my life were not preordained. There wasn’t even a domino effect. All that’s gone down has shaped who I am, but I didn’t need them to make me a compassionate and passionate person. They didn’t build my character. I did, every day, based on who I wanted to be, influenced by my mom, grandparents, teachers, friends, and partners. 

I am a collection of everything good and bad that’s transpired and all the gray parts in between. 

But if anybody dares to say, everything happens for a reason, I’d simply say, no it doesn’t. If they say that trauma and tragedy made me stronger, I’d reply, so much in life can’t be fixed, only carried. 

Some days, it’s so heavy. But I make my story, my truth, and my ending. Everything can happen, and there is no real reason for a mother to die too young, a 23-year-old to get cancer, or a child to fear home. 

There is so much that happens, and there are absolutely no good reasons. 

We Matter

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This is for anyone who’s ever been told you don’t matter. That you’re nobody. That you’re nothing. 

As a woman, maybe I’ve had more than my share of these words thrown at me. They’ve come from a father, a teacher, a partner, a friend, a boss. 

I used to believe them. I agreed so easily that I wasn’t anything worth caring about. I had no value, just a vessel to trudge around the world. 

It didn’t matter that I always proved the opposite – in academics, loyalty to those I loved, forgiveness without an apology and excelling at my career. 

I was still invisible and disrespected – someone who should be lucky they were even given a chance. How’d I get that chance in the first place? Because I worked harder and was smarter. No one has given me anything in life. I clawed my way to it. There was no privilege buoying me up. It was pure will and fight. 

Ultimately, I’ve never wanted much more than to matter to someone. I just forgot I had to matter to myself first. My very busy brain, threaded with depression and anxiety, sometimes creates this state of amnesia. I forget all the inner work that helped me firmly believe I matter. 

I’m trying really hard to hold onto that when there are loud voices telling me I’m nothing and nobody. 

But they don’t get the last word. I do.  

So, if right now, you’re hanging by a thread and unsure if there’s anybody in the world who thinks you’re somebody, I do. Even if I don’t know you, I promise you matter. 

We’re inside this upside-down moment where empathy is called weakness, intelligence is labeled as indoctrination, and accountability has never been more scarce. 

I’m a fighter and a survivor. I’ve proved it time and time again. I hope the next time someone says you don’t matter; you’ll realize that those words said are the ones that don’t matter. 

Happy Is NOT a Choice

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As much as I’d like to wake up every day and pick the happy card, that’s not how it works. The memes and inspiring quotes that propel this myth are not only untrue but detrimental. If you believe this fallacy, then every time sadness, depression and anxiety enter your mind and being, you’d feel like a failure.

The choice of state of mind isn’t an option for the depressed, anxious and traumatized. I’m not preventing “happy” because I willfully want despair. That’s not how my busy brain works or anyone else’s.

The choice that I can make (and do make) is to seek peace, understanding and healthy behaviors. I can choose to be real and honest during my therapist appointments, peeling the layers of myself back and back. I can also choose to take my medication every day and not feel shame because I do.

There are highs and lows. Sometimes I know they’re coming. Other times, I feel blindsided by deep sadness, and I know I have to feel this and let it flow through me. Resisting it or shoving it down doesn’t, nor does it allow the choice of happy.

Life is about choices. Who we are is the product of our choices. However, I know there’s no happy button. Instead, there is a desire to be present and aware. There’s no judgment when I can’t put a smile on or quickly move on from a funk.

If my experiences have taught me anything, it’s there are no rules, and nobody’s keeping score. Ultimately, you have to have a lot of acceptance of yourself, your feelings, your mistakes, your choices.

I can choose a million different ways to move through life, but I can never make the choice to be happy.