A birthday is just a day, right? It’s simply the anniversary of your birth. Is that celebratory? Maybe I can just celebrate the miracle of being alive against a lot of odds, some self-inflicted, others not.
My birthday brings about mixed emotions. Mostly, I’ve wanted to avoid it. There’s a long list of disappointments that led me to this apathy. I had this audacious hope that being the one to organize it would mean others would show up. I may have never felt so alone as on the weekend of my 40th birthday. I invited a small group of friends one year in advance, and I sat alone on the Friday afternoon. Later, two would join me.
My husband’s not great at birthdays either. He never had one growing up, which makes me sad on completely other levels. So, there’s no expectation now.
But I have the gift of memories of special days—parties, special homemade cakes, and presents. There was always a theme, and my granny baked me delicious cakes with calligraphy-style frosted birthday wishes. I was a lucky girl.
My mom let me know every day that I was the most important thing to her; my birthdays were what many kids would have dreamt of. It’s one of these small but meaningful things that kept me from being completely fucked up.
But, without her, the day has been sometimes a burden. Why even acknowledge it? I’ve had 27 birthdays without her. I’d rather forget the day. I have no madness or sadness about the many disappointments that have followed.
It’s for the simple fact that I used to be someone’s everything. Most of us have just been nothing.
As this birthday arrives, the country’s in chaos, rights are falling by the day, and evil is beaming. I have no birthday wish for myself. I need no candle to blow out, for there is a gushing fire in my soul to resist and fight.
When you’ve had at least one person in your life love you without conditions, no matter all the traumas that happened too, you can be brave. I hope my love for my small circle lets them be courageous.
A happy birthday isn’t necessary, but a life of freedom, equality and empathy is.
My Believable Life 
Gosh, I’m reading this (my 35th birthday is coming up so I was curious by the title) and I feel for you. I’m so sorry for the loss you feel and for the worries you have. We’re looking at the USA with a lot of worry and just hoping it won’t cross the ocean to our small country. (But frankly, I’m afraid it’s too late…)
I wish for you to have loving people around you on your birthday. And I wish for you to find a way that you want to spend your birthday. Here we jokingly say: Life’s a party, but you have to get your own decorations.
So please, celebrate. I’m thankful you’re here, I’m thankful for the two posts that I’ve read this night. And I wish you a very very happy birthday ❤
I wish you a lot of love and hope, peace in your heart.
Love from the Netherlands!
Thank you for your kind words. We did go out to dinner and a show. Most importantly, I also had cake.
We love The Netherlands. We’ve visited 5 times – Amsterdam, Rotterdam and The Hague. We also saw the UNESCO windmills. My dream is to live there.
Happy birthday to you!